Leaving

Some of you may know that in October I am leaving for a year to attend Univeral Technical Insitute. There are two parts of this school. One is called MMI or Motercycle Mechanics Insitute, and the other. Which is also called MMI, is Marine Mechanics Insitute. That's the part I'm going to. Here's the ketch, it is all the way in Orlando, Florida. I've been down there before and I loved it. But this time I'm going down by myself and living down there. I'm going to be honest with you I'm scared to death. I've lived in small towns all myself. I've never once lived in a big city. I've always loved to sit outside and listen to the birds and the wind. I know when I live in the middle or Orlando, I wint be able to do this. This is what got me thinking, I didn't want to go. However, there is no better school to go to for marine mechanics. I'll give you this Maine Maritime Academy is s great school. But it just wasn't for me. Here's why; it was too much money. To get the skills I wanted to learn, I had to take a five year course which cost $60,000. The course I'm taking at MMI is 51 weeks and cost $29,000. That's the reason why I'm moving my whole life down there for a year. Even if I won't see my family as much as I would if I went to MMA. I might get a better education or a better job if I went to MMA, but the percentage for jobs out of MMI is very close to MMA.

So, even if MMA has a way better reputation then MMI. I know MMI is the school for me. It's in a beautiful place where there is no snow. I'll learn to live on my own, and find myself. Here, I really can't figure out what I'm supposed to be or do in life. I think if I get away from my old life and start one of my own. I just might find myself.

Music and Movies

Music and movies are my life. Listen to music is what makes my world keep spinning. When I'm crying I listen to music. When I'm stressed I listen to music. When I'm happy listened to music. No matter what I'm feeling, or what's going on in my life I listen to music. Movies do the same. Movies help me get away from my life when it's too much for me. When I watch a movie I feel like I'm in another world. I can memorize a whole movie just by watching it once. I can't explain why I love them so much. I just love the story that the actors acts out, and the story that the song writer sings. I can relate to it.

Country music is what I listen to the most. Most people think that country music is sad and depressing. But to me it explains everything that is happening in my life. Anything that happens to me or I experience is found in a country song. Action movies are my favorite type of movies. I hate chick flicks, they just seem so fake. Action movies seem like they could happen or have happened. The way they make you sit on the edge of your seat, waiting for the next thing to happen. Then BAM, you jump back in your seat because you can't believe what happen. That amazes me that the film maker can make your heart race, or make you cry. The feelings that they can make you feel, are just incredible. Same with music, how the singer can make you feel when they sing the song. They can make you anger, cry, depressed, happy or excited. With just a melody and some words. My whole life can be turned around by just listening to a song. All my stress will just fade away when I watch a good movie. Thank god for country music, and good movies.

The Worse Week

I've probably had the worse week in my life. My boyfriend and I decided to break up. He told me we 'fought too much' and 'I wasn't the person he thought I was.' Whatever that means? Yeah, we fought a little but nothing major. But apparently it was too much for him to make it work. My hold view on him was destroyed. He wasn't the person I thought he was either, but I was willing to make it work if he was. However, he just gave up. Told me that he couldn't do it anymore, he needed to get his life together. He gave me that same lame ass excuse the last three times we got together. Yeah I'm a little stupid for getting back together with him three times. But that's love, it's stupid. This was Tuesday.

The very next day, I get home from school. My gram tells me that she has a pain in her chest, like someone was sitting on her chest. At first I thought is was gas, so I gave her some gas medicain and helped her walk to bed. But the pain just got worse, she told me to get her emergency call botten to call the ambulance.The emergency call botten alerts someone to call Bucksport to send an ambulance to our address faster then me doing it myself. I called my mom, who had just finished running a 10 mile run. I explained what was going on and that she needed to get home ASAP.

I tried to stay extremely calm, because looking at my gram. I knew by the look in her eye, she was scared. The phone rang, it was my uncle informing me that he was following the ambulance out and they would be there momentarily. When they all showed up my gram could barely breath, I was scared to death. She had three hearts in the pass and another one would be horrible. After they check her heart and everything. They decided to take her to Eastern Maine Metical Center, in Bangor. Just to make sure that everything was okay. Well good thing they did. When they got her to the hospital they learned she had congestive heart failure. Which means, her heart just stopped working correctly and one of her lungs filled up with fluid.

My heart sunk into my stomach, I was so scared I was going to loose her. I couldn't loose her now. I've had the worse week in the history of weeks. My mind raced, thinking about everything and
 anything. The worse part was the only person I wanted to talk to about all this was my x boyfriend. But in knew he wouldn't care, and what if he did? It didn't matter he didn't want to be part of my life anymore. Good thing I had one of my oldest friends to talk too. I hadn't talked to him in a while because my x got jealous and wouldn't let me talk to him. It was good to know someone cared. He was the one who helped me to not break down crying. I don't know what I would've done if he didn't help me through it. Thanks god for true friends.

Last night she went into surgery for a couple hours. It felt like an eternity, just waiting and hoping that she would be okay. When my phone rang at 10 o'clock at night. My heart sunk once again, my mom was calling to tell me one of two things. That the surgery went well and she's okay, or that she didn't make it. I picked up the phone, I could barely hear my mom. My hand was shaking so much that I couldn't keep the phone up to my ear. I asked her how she was and if gram was going to be okay. She sighed and said yes she is. My heart rose out of my stomach, just hearing her say that gave me peace at mind. As soon as I put the phone down, I fell fast asleep.

Love and Communication

Love is something I've always looked for. Someone I can live life with, for the rest of my life. I've never really told anyone that I wanted this, because I felt like no one would understand. I've gone through a lot of break ups, and I never once gave up them. They gave up on me. I realized that I trused to easily, and I fell to fast. But I always had doubts, however I never told anyone these doubts. I never told anyone because I was afraid that if I said it out load it would become reality. But now that I'm in a stable relationship, I realize now that the doubts I had, were fears. In a relationships, communication is the number one thing. With out communication, it will not work. Communication is very hard for most people, opening up is very scary. I know this first hand. But if you truly love someone, and they truly love you. You both will trust each other with your fears and doubts. You both will except them, and move on from them. After excepting all the bad things, it's easier to except the good things. Because if your focused on all the bad things, you don't believe the good things when they happen. Then they turn into bad things. Excepting what you have done, is probably the most important thing in a relationship. 

After my last break up, I went into a down hill spiral. My current boyfriend was the one who pulled me out of it. I didn't think I was ever going to find a guy that could put up with me again. But hope and faith were on my side. The night that I decided to stop looking for love, he started texting me. We started dating two weeks later. From the beginning, I knew it was going to be different. The way he talked to me, and the way he treated me. Was way different from my past relationships. We have been fighting a lot, this is were I learned that you have to state your fears to the other person. When I was completely honest with him. He came out and was completely honest with me. After that, we fought lesser and lesser. We are doing better now, communication saved it. In a relationship you are always learning. But you have to be willing to learn, for it to work.

Rainy Spring Day

I love the rain. I can't tell you why I love the rain, but it just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Most people think that rain is cold, wet, and depressing. But not to me. After the winter that we had, it makes me smile, looking out today and seeing rain coming down. Rainy days are my favorite, don't get me wrong I'd take a warm summer day over a rainy spring day. But right now, I'll take a wet rainy day over a freezing winter day. I was tired of walking outside and having my face ache because of how cold it was. I loved walking outside today and saying 'DAMN! It's warm out here!' It feels good to say that. This winter has been the worse, and seeing the rain coming down today. Really makes me feel like there is a light at the end of this cold freezing tunnel. Every winter I get depressed, without fail. I've taken pills and gone to the doctors. To try to get my depression to go away. Who knew that all it took to get my depression to go away was a rainy day. (Hey that rhyme!) Rain can be a warm thing, it's all about your attitude. You can always make a bad day, a good one. Just with your attitude. So when you look out at the raining day today. Think in your mind, that this wet rainy day is just one step away from a warm summer day, and it's melting all this f****** snow!!!!!

My Big Lesson

Life's not fair, but still it's good.  When in doubt, just take the next small step. I could sit here and tell you all the bullshit that life can be. But I'm not going to. Life is way more then bad times, life is determined on you attitude. If you have a horrible attitude towareds life, it will come back and bite you in the ass. I know this first hand. I had a rebal attitude towards the law and all adult figures. I thought 'Oh I'll never get caught' 'Oh it will never be me.' Well that came back and hit me in the face, hard. I loved to speed, I love that feeling you have when you look down at the speedometer and your going 100 mph. Well that feeling made me over look the law. The first time I got caught speeding, I got caught for going 22 over. I was going 62 mph in a 40 mph zone. I wasn't going anywhere important, I was only going to school. But I was completely honest with the cop, that there was no reason for me to be speeding down a back road at 7:30 in the morning. So because I was so honest he gave me a ticket for going 14 over, in stead of 22 over. Long story short, I got my license taken away for a month because I was still in the 9 month period where I couldn't get in trouble. I guess I didn't learn my lesson, because not even four months later I got caught speeding home from my boy friends house. In my defense I was late for my curfew, 10:00 PM. I was going 49 mph in a 30 mph. Again I was honest with the cop that I was late for curfew, and he let me go with a ticket for 14 over, once again. 2 weeks later, after paying the ticket. I get a notice in the mail that my license was being suspended once again. But this time instead of 30 days, this suspendtion was going to last for 180 days, 6 MONTHS!!!!! The letter stated that my license suspendtion would start March 28, 2015. I cried and cried because I knew that it was all my fault. That day my attitude change dramatically. Lifes to short to speed, because it's not worth the consequences. So on Saturday I have to give up my freedom for 6 months but I know it's my fault, and I have accepted it. That's all I can do for now, and hopefully learn from this big mistake.